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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22843558">Strained Tenderness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theloneolive/pseuds/theloneolive'>theloneolive</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, College, Friends With Benefits, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 16:20:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,053</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22843558</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theloneolive/pseuds/theloneolive</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata liked Kageyama throughout all of high school. The minute he discovered Kageyama's true nature, his gentle heart and how he truly believed in Hinata; he couldn't help but fall. Even for a minute he thought the feelings might have been mutual. But after high school before either of them could express anything, Kageyama left to be on Japan's national volleyball team. Hinata was left feeling abandoned and heart broken. He quit playing the game he loved so much and decided to attend a local college and work a part-time job, staying in his hometown. He even finds a classmate in which they engage in comforting each other. After all this time Hinata has become empty searching for anything to fill the hole created by Kageyama's abandonment. </p><p>One day Kageyama returns to their small hometown, will Hinata finally be able to express his feelings to him? Or has Kageyama changed after all this time?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Original Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Behind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>UH hello- haven't written on here in some time....and usually I only write smut. So..get ready for some real ass story shit, and maybe some smut in between &lt;3 I really do be in the haikyuu fandom for 3 years now :,)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>----</p><p>I still feel the weight of my feet, planted on the concrete outside of Karasuno. I still remember not being able to move, even thought all I wanted to to was run. Chase the bus as it drove away, taking you from me. Just to get one more glimpse at you. Or have a better goodbye. </p><p>Because the last time I saw you was in our third year. You left on a hot afternoon, and by the time I got to your goodbye, you were already halfway to the bus. I felt my throat close up, my eyes burned and I choked out your name.</p><p>"Kageyama!"</p><p>You turned with your suitcase trailing behind you, and your backpack hugging your back tightly. Our eyes met. I did not feel the people around me. Tsukki, Yamaguchi, Yachi, they might as well have been ghosts. All I felt was your eyes looking into mine. And I felt as if we were the only two people on earth. But your mouth stayed shut. And instead of saying my name, you raised your empty hand, and waved. Then you turned and walked the next half to the bus. And I felt my stomach drop. </p><p>Was none of it real? The time you gave me my first serve, all the late night practices, the times when you would smile for me, the times we sat next to each other on the bus and the slight touches of skin that would drive me crazy. I thought we both were doing it on purpose. Our secret declaration of fondness. I had thought somewhere in there, you might have felt the same. That when you saw me your heart felt full, that when you were at home lying in bed or watching TV there was always me in the back of your mind. That you dreamt of me. That you desired me. That you were hoping I felt the same. But instead you waved, and got on that bus. And left me behind. </p><p>The bus drove off. And my feet stayed planted. There for the next hour as I started off into the street. Everyone around me dispersed. And I waited for you to turn that bus around and give me the goodbye I wanted. </p><p>When it got too cold, I finally took a step. The movement in my body finally triggered what I had been trying to hold in that entire moment, the tears flooded down my face and dripped onto the ground and into my mouth. Snot twisted out of my nose and before I knew it I was standing only a step away from where I started in violent, breathy sobs. And I stayed that way until I got to my front door. In which I scrubbed my face with the back side of my t-shirt and entered my front door with a warm greeting from Natsu. Then my mother- which I avoided eye contact and snuck quickly to my room. I stayed in that room with the blinds shut for many days. Not text from you was in sight. It was if you had suddenly disappeared. I could never go back into the gym and see you there. Or the vending machines at school to find you getting another milk carton. All the places I would rely on to see your face, to feel that warmth in my chest, was no longer there. And I felt hopeless.</p><p>That day curved my life. I felt unable to look at a volleyball without thinking of you, let alone anyone from the team. I got a job at the corner store by my house, enrolled in some college courses. And began my new life, without you.</p><p>----</p><p>"She's such a bitch sometimes man."</p><p>I turned at the graphic tone to see my two classmates chatting as they always do after class ends. They were both well built, I think one time I heard them talk about baseball, that's how they knew each other. Same high school team. </p><p>"You guys broke up again?" the stocky one asked. He was okay-looking, average height, pretty boring. Like a very boring Oikawa. That's who he reminded me of.</p><p>"She's just so hot and cold with me dude. One moment she can't get enough of me, the next she says she never wants to see my face again. Like what about my feelings?"</p><p>"Yeah like that's what you care about."</p><p>"Hey just because sex is one of my top priorities-"</p><p>"Pretty much your number one."</p><p>"What can I say, it helps me relax...de-stress....its like medicine to me."</p><p>"You really can be a scumbag sometimes."</p><p>They stood up laughing and began walking out of the class. I watched with a close eye my sex addicted peer, he was tall, really tall. His figure was slim, but his arms were built. He wore nice clothes, I bet his fashion sense came from his girlfriend that he's always on and off with. I think she went to the same high school too. His eyes, were a piercing blue. It was just his hair- if only his hair was black. I'm sure it was naturally but he had it dyed blonde, I could tell cause sometimes his roots would show until the next time he got it touched up. Again which was probably done by his girlfriend- or ex right now- but probably not for long. But if it wasn't for that, he would probably be the closest guy to look like Kageyama I've seen on campus. And I won't lie that might have been the reason on the first day I chose the seat next to him. It just felt comforting. Like I could pretend it was him. God, I am such a loser. </p><p>I sighed and grabbed my notes before leaving the classroom to head to my part time job. I was just a normal cashier, putting on my stupid apron and standing there to greet and kiss at the ass of every random person who comes in. Thankfully I don't see many people I know- no old high school people, no one. I felt as if that part of my life had might as well been a dream sometimes. </p><p>I worked late into the nights, and headed home to a sleeping house. And that was my routine. It had become my normal, my life for the past two years. And I learned to accept it.</p><p>-----</p><p>"This essay is kicking my ass....I am so pent up..."</p><p>"Too much information dude."</p><p>The blonde boy laughed and rested his forehead on the table, the vibration knocking my pencil down. But he was too oblivious to notice, or apologize. I stared longingly at his hands. Large with slim pale fingers. He had good hands for setting, the thought made my stomach hurt. </p><p>His companion grunted and got up from the table, "I gotta go take a piss, get to work before I get back or you're fucked."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah, ok." he cried softly from his lap as his friend exited the classroom.</p><p>The people around us chatted and scribbled in their notebooks. I watched as he stayed still, with his head lowered. That's when it came to me. It made my whole body light on fire, I felt as if I was made of static suddenly. Just the idea created this unbearable nerves but excitement also brewed somewhere in there. And once it let me, my voice croaked out a, "Hey."</p><p>He twitched and then brought his head up to look at me, our eyes met, and I realized his were a lighter blue than Kageyama's.</p><p>"Uh...hey?"</p><p>"I'm Hinata Shouyo," I stated a little too politely for my intentions.</p><p>"Sato Minoru." he stated back, with still a hint of confusion, "Isn't it a little late in the semester for us to be doing introductions, we've sat next to each other this entire time."</p><p>He noticed me.</p><p>"It's just-well I've been hearing your problem."</p><p>"Problem?"</p><p>"Yeah, your...pent up problem?"</p><p>He slightly blushed but then casually laughed it off as if I was another friend to joke with, "Sorry we're so loud."</p><p>"No it's fine."</p><p>Silence.</p><p>"I can help you."</p><p>Sato's eyes slightly widened and he rested his elbow on the table to slightly turn towards me, "You? You can help me? How so?"</p><p>My mouth felt dry.</p><p>He smirked, "You some sort of pimp-?"</p><p>"Me."</p><p>He stopped and looked me up and down, "You."</p><p>"If you don't mind boys, and as long as you're not with that girl during...I don't think cheating is right-"</p><p>"I would never." </p><p>There was silence again.</p><p>My eyes darted at the door, his friend could come back an second and then this could be some weird awkward moment. Or he could tell and they could make fun of me, spread it to the whole class, the whole school. Fuck, this was such a bad idea, stupid Shouyo what were you thinking? Offering your body to some pent up dude. And for what? So you can use him...pretend he's...god you are so fucked up. And now you look like some weird pervert or sex worker, I mean of course there is nothing wrong with sex workers but-</p><p>"Okay." Sato stated.</p><p>I looked back at him as the fight in my head silenced and cleared all my worries.</p><p>"I don't really mind boys, I mean I prefer girls obviously, but as you probably already know, I mostly just like to get off." suddenly he was speaking in a much quieter, lowered tone. And starting intensity into my eyes, "And your small."</p><p>I furrowed my brows, "Don't make me revoke my offer."</p><p>He smiled and sat up with his hand out, "Sorry, sorry, didn't mean for that to sound rude."</p><p>Suddenly his friend appeared back to the table, he looked at Sato then to me and back to Sato and sat down. Sato smiled and turned back to his friend, "Eiji, this is Hinata!" he looked over at me and smiled with a nod, "I think we're gonna be good friends" Sato finished, glancing at me with a devilish grin. I swallowed hard and nodded. </p><p>----</p><p>After class Eiji parted ways with Sato and I to get to his next class. Sato looked down to me, "So, where to?" I felt shaky, but I knew I had to pretend like I knew what I was doing. I can't show how horrible nervous and unsure I am.</p><p>He leaned on one hip, "I don't really wanna pay for a hotel room," he mumbled, even the idea of that made me almost choke, "My place isn't that far, you cool with that?"</p><p>I looked up with him and nodded, "That's fine with me."</p><p>He smiled, "Good."</p><p>When we got to his place it was just a normal apartment complex, he lived on the second floor in the corner room at the end. We walked in and he set his jacket down on the table in the entry way and sighed, "Well make yourself at home."</p><p>I looked around, "So you live here by yourself?" I asked.</p><p>He walked away and into what I assumed was the kitchen, I followed.</p><p>"Yeah my parents pay for most of it, I'm a spoiled kid, but I think they just wanted me out of there house."</p><p>He was drinking juice straight out of the carton when I saw him next to the open fridge, "Why's that?"</p><p>He took the carton from his mouth and looked at me, "They don't like when I have friends over." he smiled.</p><p>He closed the fridge and wiped his mouth with his forearm.</p><p>I gulped and closed my eyes as he grabbed my shoulders, he leaned down, and I prepared, "Maybe we shouldn't kiss."</p><p>I opened my eyes slowly, his face was close to mine, I could feel his hot breath on my face. I nodded,"Yeah, this is just sex, no need for that other shit."</p><p>Sato laughed, "I like your style Hinata, I should have talked to you sooner."</p><p>-----</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Compensation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hinata becomes comfortable with Sato in his life, or maybe its compensation, so he doesn't have to feel anything else.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank for the interest after the first chapter! I am not sure how long this series will really be but I do have it all thought out, and I hope you guys can enjoy this DRAMA! lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-----</p><p>Sato let out a long, hard sigh as he pulled out of me, stripped the condom of his soft dick and threw it in the small plastic pin. I was lying on my stomach, it wasn't always like that though. Sometimes we did it facing each other, he wasn't disgusted with my face, or more importantly my dick I guess. But we never kissed, at most he would nibble on my ear to get me more in the mood, or lick the back of my neck during. Which isn't anything special knowing all of the other places he's licked. I guess Sato is an experienced guy. I haven't asked mostly just cause I think it isn't my business. All I know is his girlfriend- on an off girl- Chiaki. He's been with her for awhile now, but he says I am not his first guy. Maybe it had something to do with the "friends he would bring over" and why his parents didn't want him living in there house anymore. Either way, it had been like this for almost four months now. He had gotten back together and broken up with Chiaki almost seven times during. And every time it ends, he calls me over to his place. That's why I am here right now. Lying on my chest covered in sweat and cum, my socks the only thing still on my body even though I only got her probably twenty minutes ago. I started to enjoy the his place. It's quiet and he's a clean guy, it always smells like he's done his laundry. Or maybe it was Chiaki who did it for him. Would I have done Kageyama's laundry for him? Would he have done mine? Would we, have washed our clothes together?</p><p>"Want some water?" Sato asked and he crawled over me on the bed and walked into the small kitchen of his studio apartment. </p><p>I flipped myself over into my backhand spread my arms, my wingspan not even making it to each side of the bed, in the wet sheets, "Yeah, thanks."</p><p>I could tell Sato was upset, I knew it was because of the breakup. But sex endorphins are powerful, I've begun to learn that too during my time with him. It really can distract you from your own mind, or even guide your feelings to a more positive place. Even though it feels fake, kinda like if I was taking drugs. Some made up ecstasy, fabricated in a lab. Keeps me off the edge, but never satisfying enough. I used to jerk off in high school to relieve stress, or relieve my frustrations about Kageyama. Like the time he wore those really tight shorts, and practiced without his shirt on. Fucking asshole. I couldn't sleep that night. But sex, Sato was the first person I ever did it with. Which left a bitter taste in my mouth, I don't think firsts need to really be that special, but I guess high school me had this made up fantasy that Kageyama and I would be each other's first...he would hold me gently, and we'd messily kiss with out teeth hitting, and probably end up laughing more than feeling good. But it would be right. </p><p>Has Kageyama already had his first time?</p><p>I closed my eyes and took in the smell of fresh laundry and sweat and Sato pressed the cold water bottle to my forehead, "You're a mysterious guy, Hinata Shouyou."</p><p>------</p><p>I sat leaning on the counter next to the cash register. It was another late night in the silent and lonely corner store, I sat staring at the same bag of chips and soda cases as I always do. Analyzing the marketing methods of bright colors and cute mascots. I won't like the cat with the big eyes and stupid face did make me want to eat the chips a little more than I usually would. The cartons of milk next to the melon sodas stared me down as they always did, I silently cursed them for always being in my line of vision. Everything felt like little reminders to me, bikes, street lamps, stupid normal things like that. Would make me think of you.</p><p>I would go into my head an relive that time when he and I would walk home together after practice, or walk until we had to split up to other sides of the road. We would pick up a pork bun, or a popsicle if it was a hot summer night. But there was that one time, we didn't buy anything. Instead we stopped and sat at a curbside together, and just breathed, just belonged in each other's spaces. I remember after some times I found my shoulder touching his, and in silence I rested my head onto him. I felt him turn, I wish I could have seen his face. He lightly brushed his nose into my hair. Did he like the way I smelled? I wish I had known what was going on in his mind, what I wouldn't do to read his mind. I dream of going back to that night, were we sat quietly leaning on each other, speaking nothing, but showing everything. In that moment in our second year, I thought I might have had a chance. I nervously hoped he would confess or make a move so I didn't have to. After that night, we did a lot of silent confessions to each other. After that night, I was definitely in love with Kageyama. </p><p>I pressed my face into my palms, as the bright lights above me buzzed in harmony. </p><p>I felt this core feeling, sometimes I can't put it into words. These days, these memories have torn me up into silence. My body feels exhausted yet continues on like its in autopilot while my mind wanders outside of it. I want to hunch over and fall into myself at these times. I want to disappear. If it wouldn't hurt Natsu, or mother. If I could just go somewhere I would stop existing. </p><p>I grabbed my phone from my back pocket without hesitation and opened up my text thread with Sato.</p><p>(Are you bust tonight?)</p><p>                       (....)<br/>
(No what's up?)</p><p>(Can I come to your place after work?)</p><p>                      (Sure sounds good to me.)<br/>
(....)<br/>
(Grab some more condoms tho.)<br/>

(Ok.)</p><p>---------</p><p>I crawled on top of him. He wore a face of surprise, with a hint of pleasure. He guided my hips to align with his with his large hands, they felt so cool and soft against my bare skin. He ran his hands down to grip onto my thighs, "You have some nice muscle tone here...." he mumbled.</p><p>I pressed my hands into his chest, "I used to play volleyball."</p><p>He looked and me and nodded, "Hmmm, wouldn't expect that with you height-"</p><p>I pressed my ass down into his hard on through his underwear and he groaned unable to finish his stupid sentence. I continued the small rhythmic motions as he closed his eyes as he rubbed his hands around to my ass, "Yeah and I was fucking good. So. Fucking. Good."</p><p>Sato nodded in unaware agreement as he began pushing his hips up too in time with mine. I ripped down his boxers to slid a condom onto his dick. And with one quick motion after another slid him into me. His eyes opened wide, "Woah Hinata, are you sure this isn't too fast?" he said breathy.</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p>He did.</p><p>I threw my head back, as he gripped into my hips to keep me in place as I rode him. Keeping my motions steady and fluid, I rest my hands behind me on his legs, and moved up and down. The sound of our skin slapping and voice moaning filled the room that was too brightly lit for this embarrassing and shameful display.</p><p>It wasn't until I was close that I realized the tears sinking down my face and into my ears. I kept my head up to avoid being seen, and continued being fucked. This is what I wanted. This warmth and gritty sense of connection. The sweat, the latex rubbing against my skin, the sound of another voice so close to mine. Yet nothing, nothing felt as good than that night you let me rest my head onto your arm and you placed your face into my stupid fluffy orange hair. </p><p>This could fake it though. This was the drug that put me in a trance, lobotomize me into thinking that that core feeling inside me cannot spread into my lungs or my heart or my head, it cannot take control of me. </p><p>I came onto his chest and instantly fell into the empty side if the bed, burying my face into the gray sheets. Making sure to wipe away the sadly residue off my face, to erase the evidence of any feelings of pleasure. To trick myself, Sato, and my own mind that I was okay. </p><p>"Shit," Sato panted, "That was hot."</p><p>Once I was cleaned up I turned my face over to look at him, he just gave me that stupid toothy smile he always does, then slapped my ass and gave me a, "Thanks!" Before hopping up to nakedly walk to the sink in the bathroom and splash his face with some water. I ran my fingers up from my side to to my face, letting the tips of my fingers touch my chapped lips. </p><p>"I have leftovers from yesterday, wanna warm some up?" he shouted from the echoed bathroom.</p><p>I pulled myself up fro the bed and crossed my legs in together. This is fine. I will continue on and forget. You are not longer by my side, the tenderness that held my young heart tied to yours has been severed. I know that now. That warmth will never be recreated. So I will make it artificial.</p><p>I looked to Sato, "I'm not that hungry, let's go another round."</p><p>He laughed and shut the bathroom door behind him.</p><p>-----</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Return</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kageyama comes home.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>----</p><p>I remember the day you got the letter. You hid it from the team until Yamaguchi and Yachi bursted through the doors of the gym with red faces and out of breathe. With the newspaper in their hands. The title of the article:</p><p>"Local High School Boy Gets Offer On National Team."</p><p>Yachi cried with joy saying how she was so proud, while Tsukishima did his usual glare and eye roll. But I, I stood in shock. I wondered why you hadn't told me. Not even try to mention. Because I knew no matter what you would take the offer, there is no reason you wouldn't, why any of us wouldn't. So why couldn't you have prepared me sooner?</p><p>After practice we walked our usual walk, out third year had been filled with so many tense emotions. Knowing we were gonna leave Karasuno was weird enough, but now you would be gone. Gone where I could not reach you. You didn't walk to close to me that day. I think I must have been putting of something, something that said "I'm pissed" and "stay away from me." Which was obviously not what I really wanted, but in that moment of frustration it was the only think to keep me sane. Space. </p><p>When we reached our split off area you finally spoke.</p><p>"I'm sorry," you mumbled, "That I didn't tell you sooner."</p><p>I didn't look at him.</p><p>"I didn't want you to find out like this."</p><p>I couldn't look at him.</p><p>"I was going to tell you I-"</p><p>Or I would fall apart.</p><p>"Congratulations, Kageyama." I chocked out, thats all I could let go before running off, away from him, away from this feeling, of abandonment. </p><p>-----</p><p>Sato and Eiji chatted as they always to after class, at this point I wasn't sure how Eiji felt about me. He was pretty quiet around me, and sometimes gave me strange looks. I also didn't know how much he knew. Did Sato tell him about our mutual deal? If he did, how much did he really know? If he does, I have a good feeling that he doesn't approve. </p><p>"Hinata, you wanna join us for some drink this weekend?" Sato blurted out of nowhere. I looked over at Eiji's face, he was obviously displeased with Sato's quickness to invite me. </p><p>I shook my head, "Nah, I should work on my essay." I lied.</p><p>Sato shrugged, "Aight." Then turned back to Eiji.</p><p>Sato was with Chiaki right now, I know because he tells me, and his roots were freshly dyed today so I would have known anyway. </p><p>I get it by the way. The sort of fuck-up-ness of the situation. Me having sex with a dude who has a girlfriend most of the time, but it isn't my relationship, if Sato thinks it's okay then why should I be bothered. Why should Eiji? I guess I am the one who offered. Fuck. I didn't wanna feel like this. It's working. For both of us, Sato get's his sex and I get my...well I'm still not sure what I want to be getting, but I know I am getting something that resembled pain medication. </p><p>At this point, I was fine where I was.</p><p>No sense ruining a good thing.</p><p>------</p><p>I laid in my bed with my phone light glaring into my tired eyes, it was probably almost 1am at that point. I usually spend these boring nights either reading up on volleyball stats, something that I can't break the habit of. If I see his name, I try to look over it. Only sometimes do I cave a read up on his stats and gameplay. But that only when I am feeling really desperate. Or I watch porn. Gay porn which helps me figure out what to do with Sato, ideas, I don't know, stuff to make me seem experienced and relevant. Or something to just jerk off to when he's with Chiaki. </p><p>Just then my phone rang which snapped me out of my trance, not even realizing I had been in the same position for hours. It was Sato, calling me. I answered in curiosity, expecting some sort of butt dial. When I remembered, he was gonna be out drinking this weekend.</p><p>"Hiiiinataaaaaa." he whined from the other end.</p><p>I backed my face away from the phone as I leaned up to sit on my bed, "Sato? What's going on?" Stupid question, this isn't the first drunk call from him.</p><p>"I need you...to come get me." he mumbled into the phone.</p><p>I rolled my eyes, "Where's Eiji?"</p><p>"Gone!" he cried out, "Left me for some girl! Even though he knows Chiaki left me yesterday!!!!"</p><p>So that's why.</p><p>I rubbed my head and walked over to my bedroom door to quietly peak out, no light was on, and hopefully no one would wake up. With him still crying and mumbling on the phone I put on some pants and a jacket, "Alright I'll be there in a bit."</p><p>"Hinata...your an angel."</p><p>"Same place as usual?" I asked.</p><p>"Don't act like I'm so predictable."</p><p>I shoved some condoms in my pocket.</p><p>But you are.</p><p>-----</p><p>He threw his arm around me, pressing all his weight against my body and I realized I need to get back in shape. He goes the the same local bar when he goes out, but when he happy drinks and sad drinks they are two different moods. Tonight he pressed his face to mine, with tears in his eyes, crying about something but I was unable to make any of the words out. I told myself I shouldn't have brought the condoms, not in this condition. We left the bar and I dragged him down the road towards his apartment building. Since the town is still small, the streets were empty and quiet. The stars were glittering in the sky, and it felt almost peaceful. That was until Sato puked while still holding onto, just missing my shoes.</p><p>I groaned and propped him against a short brick wall, his head hanging heavy to his chest.</p><p>"Sato, stay with me dude." I begged, lightly slapping his face to keep him awake. If he fell asleep we were both screwed, there was no way I could carry his whole limp body all they way to his apartment. He just groaned and wiped the left over vomit from the side of his mouth. He reeked of liquor and smoke I felt as if at this point I might just have to throw up too.</p><p>He sniffed, "Why does she have to do this to me all the time?"</p><p>I looked up at him, his eyes glazed with tears, and lips curled in like a pouting child. I felt saddened by his pain, the constant back and forth between the two lovers. How she always cuts him off, I know how that can feel sometimes.</p><p>"Fucking bitch."</p><p>My pity disintegrated. </p><p>"Alright," I asserted, and pulled him from the wall to lean back on me, "Let's get you home."</p><p>We continued our walk on the empty roads into the night. My back began to strain as he lost his balance and footing slowly, I dragged my feet holding onto his waste and the forearm of the one around me. My breath shallowed and I cursed Eiji feeling like this was his way of punishing me. Sato just quietly groaned some more, and just as I felt as if I couldn't go any further a voice called out that send chills through my body.</p><p>"Hinata?"</p><p>I looked up from the human umbrella that Sato had become over me to meet the dark blue eyes I had been trying to recreate in my head for two years. Kageyama stood in the middle of the street we were talking down. Right in front of me. His body looked much more defined than the last time. He wore tight leggings under his black shorts and a sweatshirt. He had pulled one headphone out of his ear, the other one still in his left connected to the phone in his hand. Of course this idiot would be going for a late night jog, at least that didn't change. But his face has somehow become more defined. His jawline was sharp, and his hair was shorter, his bangs no longer really hanging down into his face, but now shorter and slicked back to really show his tanned face. He wore a different expression, he looked more mature. His eyes no longer held that annoyance and anger, and eyebrows weren't furrowed as they seemed to permanently be no matter his mood. Yet it was him, it was Kageyama.</p><p>"Kageyama..." I started but couldn't figure out what to say after. </p><p>He looked over at Sato who still looked limp in my arms and then back to me, "What's-?"</p><p>"Kageyama?" mubmled Sato suddenly as he seemed to in an instant regain his consciousness again, he stood up more straight and I noticed him and Kageyama were very similar in height, that part wasn't just created in my head to cope, "Kageyama Tobio?"</p><p>I stiffened up, did Sato know Kageyama, god I hope he can keep his big mouth shut.</p><p>"Like the volleyball player?"</p><p>I was relived yet annoyed that Kageyama really had made a name for himself on the national team that even stupid Sato knew who he was. </p><p>Kageyama ignored his comment, which also, was very him, "What's going on?" he asked directly staring at me. It was hard to deal with so I avoided all eye contact as possible as Sato still confused looked at Kageyama and back to me realizing the tension and trying to figure out what this interaction was. </p><p>"He's drunk." I stated, "I'm helping him get home."</p><p>"Do you guys need help?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>Even though my legs were slightly shaking from the weight pressing into my ankles. All this time I could imagine seeing him again, but that was when we were in high school, now he looked different. And I realized that milk in the back of the store, he probably doesn't drink it anymore. The Kageyama I wanted to see, did no longer exist. The you I have been talking to was here three years ago, when I knew him. You are the Kageyama that I would practice with everyday and walk home with every night. That you hasn't existed since then. The person in front of me isn't you. And the person I am...I am the statue still planted in front of the school when the bus drove off. </p><p>I looked up at him, and shifted Sato's weigh back onto me, "We're fine, you don't need to worry." I stated and slowly began to continue dragging Sato down the street.</p><p>"I'm in town for awhile!" Kageyama called out after we passed him. I couldn't look back, and I'm glad I couldn't.</p><p>"Hope your trip is good!" I shouted back, "Bye!"</p><p>-----</p><p>We finally got to the steps at the bottom of the complex and I set Sato down to sit on one of the steps as he rested his drunken head on the bars. I stood above him in his dazed state, looking down on someone who felt more real to me than you at this point. </p><p>"Hinata?" Sato asked looking up at me with an open mouth, "Why are you crying?"</p><p>I wiped my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt, "Fucking bitch."</p><p>-------</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope these more short chapters are cool with you guys! this story came to me from a bunch of little angsty scenes ive imagined so im trying to just connect them all for one bigger story, plus it makes it easier for me to get content to you guys asap! hope you enjoy! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Reversal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hinata feels unable to handle how his life has developed.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>------</p><p>"Was I absolutely trashed last night or did we see Kageyama Tobio last night, Hinata?" Sato asked rubbing his temples with his face scrunched up in obvious hangover pain.</p><p>Eiji looked over, "What? Kageyama like that volleyball player? He won rookie of the year last season didn't he?" This is the first time I've seen Eiji actually upbeat and interested in something instead of plotting my demise or being annoyed with Sato's daily whines about Chiaki. </p><p>Sato nodded, "Yep, that's the one."</p><p>They both turned to me eating for a response, I wasn't sure if I should lie, I don't know how much Sato actually remembered. I didn't want to seem suspicious about anything. I wanted to let the interaction go, leave it behind, and pretend it never happened. But I couldn't create something more out of it, so I decided to play it off.</p><p>"Yeah that was him, pretty sure." I replied trying to sound as nonchalant as I could. </p><p>Eiji's eyes widened, and I knew I was fucked.</p><p>"Holy shit! I mean I know this is his hometown but I never thought I'd even see him around this dumb! Once your travel the world on such a good team why would you ever!"</p><p>"Did you guys, know each other?" Sato asked a little to seriously for my liking.</p><p>But like I said, I just wanted to play it off as much as I could. </p><p>"Yeah we went to the same high school, but we didn't really talk-" I started. </p><p>"Wait! You told me you played volleyball one time!" Sato interrupted. Fuck I forgot I said that.</p><p>Eiji stopped, "Are you telling me you played volleyball with Kageyama fucking Tobio?"</p><p>I wanted to crawl out of my skin right then and there. I hated hearing his name over and over again like this. This is the last thing I wanted right now. Cause now every time I hear your name I can see you, now I see the you with short hair with that stupid look on your face. </p><p>"That was a long time ago," I asserted, "It doesn't matter-"</p><p>"How could it not matter-!?" Sato exclaimed.</p><p>"Can we just not walk about it."</p><p>He went quiet. I didn't look over to them but I could probably guess they were giving each other strange looks at this point. "Yeah," Sato murmured, "Sorry, we'll drop it."</p><p>I could hear Eiji want to say something else but Sato shushed him and they turned back to face their books in silence.</p><p>Sato glanced over to me, and I looked at him. He lightly smiled and brushed my shoulder before turning back to start some dumb conversation with Eiji as usual. I felt like a time bomb being dismantled, but still, a bomb no one would want to be around.</p><p>------</p><p>I fell back into one of the flimsy plastic chair in the break room as one of my coworkers ducked out to take my place for my break. I threw my head back and spread my legs out as far as I could stretch them. The unnecessary stress that plagued me was taking a toll on my physical awareness. My entire shift was me giving the wrong change back and failing to ring up the right items for the customers. I got chewed out by my manager, which put me in a whole different version of bad mood even with the bad taste still in my mouth about what happened in class. </p><p>Reminds me of the times girls would confess to Kageyama. It made me feel as if I were in a frenzy, I felt feral or like I could explode at any moment. Who did they think they were? They had no idea who Kageyama was, they could never see the true him. All they liked was the "cool type." The cold and distant, and good at sports. How shallow. I liked you for so much more. I liked you for your strength, your perseverance through everything that had happened. Your step down as King and to my teammate, my friend, my person. I liked you because even though you were cold, it was just a mask hiding the soft parts. The excitement you felt for cute animals, and food. I liked you because you believed in me. I liked you because you were meant for me.</p><p>I shook my head.</p><p>No, no, that's in the past. That's not true anymore. Or I guess it never was. Because you left. </p><p>"Hinata!"</p><p>I looked up to see my coworker peeking into the room, "Hey someone is here and they said they know you."</p><p>I sighed and stood up and walked out to the front of the store. I swear to god if Sato is here asking me to give him a discount on one dollar bag of chips or crying over Chiaki in the middle of the store I will beat his-</p><p>I stopped.</p><p>"Hey." Kageyama said softly, standing there with his hands in his jacket pockets. This time he was wearing pants, and a blue collared shirt under his thick gray puffy jacket. Under this new bright lighting I could really see him. His skin looked soft, I could see the trace of stubble on his cheeks and chin, recently shaved. And bags under his eyes. But expression relaxed.</p><p>"How did you-" I stuttered out.</p><p>"Your bike." He stated, knowing exactly what I was to ask, "I saw it out front."</p><p>I felt like an idiot in my stupid white and green uniform suddenly, I became aware of everything. Did I forget to wash my face this morning? Does my hair look okay? Does he notice any of my new freckles?</p><p>But instead I crossed my arms and leaned into one side of my hips, "What do you want?"</p><p>"When are you off?" he questioned without even acknowledging my obvious annoyance with the situation.</p><p>"Not for another three hours," I told him, "Look I'm at work, I can't really talk-"</p><p>"Alright." he said with a nod and walked away and out of the store.</p><p>I stood there staring at the automatic door open and shut him out with it.</p><p>What the fuck was that? I stomped back into the break room and right back into my chair. But this time hunched over my lap with my knees closed in, with my face in my hands. No seriously, what the fuck was that? What was the supposed to accomplish? Why the fuck do you still remember what my bike looks like?</p><p>-----</p><p>I clocked out with no ounce of energy left in my body, my soul had sometimes left my body between break and the rest of my shift. Sometime when I was restocking the sodas I think a part of me must have died and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I was already ready to text Sato to go over to his place, as he would say, I needed to de-stress. I put my work uniform in the locker and slipped on my sweatshirt and backpack.</p><p>"Have a good night Hinata." My coworker waved from behind the cashier.</p><p>"Yeah you too dude, have a good rest of the night shift."</p><p>I threw my hood up and I stepped out into the cold night, my breath surrounded my face in a white puffy mist.</p><p>"Hinata."</p><p>My heart pounded as I flipped around with my backpack staps locked in my knuckles, to see Kageyama standing with his back resting agains the wall of the store. He pushed himself up and walked towards me, his nose was read. I took a step back, he noticed and stopped.</p><p>"Have you been out here this whole time?" I asked bewildered by his appearance I front of me.</p><p>He nodded, "Yeah." he said in a tone like I should have known he was.</p><p>I shook my head, "Idiot, you could catch a cold."</p><p>He shrugged and walked past me onto the street, I turned to watch him walk away. </p><p>He turned, "Come on." he motioned his shoulder to follow him.</p><p>In the movement I knew I could grab my bike and pedal as fast as I could in the other direction. Even though, he might be able to keep up by running, which aggravated me at the thought. But I could. I could go to Sato's place, get fucked, go to sleep and live out my life as I have been for the past five months. I could go forget about this, deny this horrible reality that has been brought to my attention. A continue on with pretending Sato isn't just some...stand in for you. </p><p>But my curiosity also stabbed at my side, pushing my to follow you. Something the back of my head pounded at the idea that something else was happening. Even though it hurt, it felt excruciating to see your face any other way then the way I remembered, your voice called me name, and thats all I ever wanted to hear. So I let it slide for tonight. I grabbed my bike and followed behind you. Keeping a comfortable distance so that our eyes didn't have to unnecessarily meet. We walked in silence, and it didn't feel comfortable at all. Not like it used too. It felt like the part of the scary movie, the build up before the big scare. My heart was slowly sinking down into my stomach with every step we took. And I thought that whatever happens, I can run away from this.</p><p>We stopped when we got to a park, it's one not too far from the corner store. During the summer lots of kids play here all day then stop by for a frozen treat, then sit outside and laugh with each other until sunset and the all run home for dinner.</p><p>Waiting in the grass, was a volleyball.</p><p>Kageyama walked over and reached down to pick it up. He spun it around in his hands and tossed it up a few times before looking at me. I didn't lighten my grip on my bike's handlebars.</p><p>"Let's pass the ball a little," he said, "Like old times."</p><p>Old times. Made me want to gag.</p><p>"I don't play anymore."</p><p>He caught the ball in his hands and froze, "What?"</p><p>I looked down at my worn out tennis shoes, "I don't play volleyball anymore. I haven't for years." You could see that just from my hands. Those calluses I worked so hard for had softened long ago, my knees cramped from the jumps I used to do. I can't even remember my last time I was on a court, let alone touched a ball. It wasn't about not being accepted onto the national team, or really considered for any big team for that matter. Which is what I think everyone concluded when they saw I no longer played. It was more that I didn't have a reason to play anymore. I knew it would never feel as good as it did those days in high school, the tournaments, the wins, and even the loses wouldn't feel as bitter as they once did. The love was out of it. Because no one was there to motivate me.</p><p>A sudden quick movement broke my though trance and I looked up to see Kageyama walking towards with rage and fear mixed in his eyes. It's the first time you actually looked like yourself. He grabbed my forearms and pulled me forward, my bike fell to the other side of us and my feet slightly off the ground. My whole body felt on fire and my heart pulsed through me. His mouth was open but it seemed like he couldn't find the words to say. He just stared at me, looking around my face and body until he could choke out, "What do you mean you don't play?"</p><p>I felt paralyzed in his strong grip, I was sort of scared by this sudden turn in emotions coming from me. Was the calm attitude a fake out? What does he want from me? I tried to shake out of his grip, "Let me go." I croaked, I hadn't noticed but I was at the brink of tears.</p><p>He breathed heavily and loosened his grip so that I could slip out. And now we stood in front of each other, my bike twisted and contorted underneath us.</p><p>"I don't get it..." he mumbled.</p><p>"It's just, not what I do anymore." I answered, trying to explain something so complicated in such a situation seemed impossible. </p><p>"Hinata...I-"</p><p>No this isn't what I want.</p><p>"It's okay Kageyama."</p><p>There was a point we would call each other by our first names, when it was just us, but..."We can't go back to old times."</p><p>I reached down and grabbed my bike, he watched my every move.</p><p>"It was good to see you." I lied, got on my bike and rode away.</p><p>And I didn't look back.</p><p>----</p><p>I pulled up to Sato's complex and jogged up the stairs, I knocked on his door, "Sato!" I yelled, "Sato open up its Hinata!"</p><p>He opened the door scratching the back of his bed head, "Hinata? What the fuck how late is it?"</p><p>I sucked all the cold air into my lungs, and when I let it out there was no holding anything back. The gate couldn't keep it from breaching and I cried. I let the warms tears sink down my face, and my throat choked on the air unable to take a real breathe between the saltwater and snot stuck on my face. I stood there with the dimly lit apartment and a half asleep Sato and sobbed. Gripping onto the bottom hem go my sweatshrt and burying my sin into my chest. I rocked my head slowly back and forth, unable to say anything.</p><p>Sato reached out around my back and pulled me into the warm room.</p><p>Now I'm the one who left.</p><p>------</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Smile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sato's POV</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>------</p><p>When Hinata showed up at my door in the middle of the night, I expected a normal booty call type of deal. But then he cried. Not just a couple tears, but cried like something horrible had happened. We didn't have sex, even I'm not that bad of a guy to take advantage of that type of emotional state. Instead I cleaned up his face, which was nasty. And let him sleep in my bed, I just slept on the floor. Which I've done many times whenever Chiaki would get mad at me and make me sleep there, so no biggie on my part. He didn't say anything, and I didn't try to pry into it. He was, a weird dude. Quiet since the day he first sat next to me, until that one day. When he first offered the whole sex deal, I was taken back. He didn't seem like the type of person to do that, not that there really is a type I guess. But still, he was just a guy next to me in class. He was timid and serious, I couldn't even imagine him having any hobbies- especially volleyball I think thats pretty funny. I know how Eiji feels about him, Eiji is just worried I'll hurt Chiaki, us three having been friends since middle school. But he doesn't have to be so cold to Hinata because of it. He really is a good guy Hinata. Just, mysterious?</p><p>That night I was drunk, I remember more than I put on. I remember when Kageyama Tobio appeared and Hinata's face looked like he was going to puke. The tension between them was beyond weird. And then when we got back to my place, "Fucking bitch," that what Hinata said. I guess he was talking about Kageyama? Then I found out they played volleyball together, but then he got upset after Eiji and I asked. It was just all too weird not to mean something. Something going on between them. Hinata doesn't really lead onto what he's really feeling a lot fo the time. Even when we're having sex I feel as if he's somewhere else.</p><p>I should have known really, the first night he slept over, now that I know, he definitely said "Tobio" in his sleep.</p><p>------</p><p>I turned the corner digging my face a little deeper into the scarf around my neck, smells like Chiaki, the laundry detergent she uses when she cleans. It was a ridiculously cold morning as I headed to class. College was never a priority to me, more like something I thought I might as well do, unlike Eiji who had a dream to get a good job, and Chiaki who truly wants to be a nurse. They both have always been hard workers, and I the slacker, comedic relief friend. It gets old sometimes, but some things never change for some people. </p><p>I stopped at a vending machine to get a can of black coffee, I slipped a yen in and pressed the button. The warm can fell out and I held it in my hands for a few seconds before opening it, just to get a little bit of that warmth spread to my body. When I turned around I was met face to face with a guy just my height, a straw hanging out of his mouth, attached at the end was a carton of milk.</p><p>Kageyama Tobio, it took me awhile to recognize his face.</p><p>"Do you have a second?" he asked me in a monotone voice.</p><p>I looked around, "Uh, yeah I got a little bit of time."</p><p>He nodded, "Cool. I just- need to ask you something."</p><p>This couldn't be good. I felt as if I was thrown into a situation I did not have any business being in. But there was no out now.</p><p>So I sat with him on a bench on the outskirts of the campus, students seemingly passing us every so often. Kageyama set with his knees spread, rising his elbows down on them and holding his hands together while looking down at the ground. Great conversationalist it seems. </p><p>"How long have you known Hinata?" he asked abruptly.</p><p>I gulped feeling like a kid in trouble, that no matter what my answer was, it would be the wrong one.</p><p>Shit, what an intimidating guy. But funny enough I can imagine Hinata handling him just fine.</p><p>"Ah, just a couple months," I replied, "We're in the same class so we met there this semester."</p><p>He just nodded.</p><p>"How's he-How would you describe him?"</p><p>Not a question I was expecting really.</p><p>"Describe him...?" I questioned, looking for more clarification.</p><p>He finally turned his head to look at me, "Yeah, what's he like?"</p><p>I paused and thought about, well he's great in bed, not too loud but still knows how to keep in interesting. But if I said that, I'm afraid he might choke me out. Like I've thought before Hinata is a quiet and distant guy, he's subtle but does everything with intention. He also knows how to take a joke but....but...</p><p>"He doesn't really smile that often." I said aloud.</p><p>-----</p><p>After than we only said a few more things to each other before he was on his way.</p><p>"Hey by the way!" I shouted, he turned, "I'm a big fan!"</p><p>He nodded and waved, then turned back around and walked out of the campus gates. He didn't seem too bad of guy, and I still wasn't sure what he wanted to know about Hinata. But he seemed to know something after our talk. I was honestly just glad he didn't ask any question about Hinata and I's relationship, of course from the outsider perspective I don't think anyone would assume anything. And it's not like I am ashamed. I just knew it that moment, it being brought up might cause a monsoon. </p><p>I headed to class where Eiji and Hinata waited with my empty seat in-between them. They looked so awkward sitting without me, it made me chuckle to myself and kind want to torture them more and leave. But Eiji already saw my face and I saw the wave of relief was over him as we urged me to hurry up and sit down. Hinata also seemed a bit relived to see me, but I'm not sure for what reason. </p><p>I sat down between them as Eiji pulled out his phone to show me some dumb videos, he really liked online fails or cringe compilations, I just humor him most of the time. </p><p>I glanced over at Hinata, what's he like? </p><p>He sits like a hurt puppy, his eyes are kind of hidden by his ridiculously fluffy orange hair, and yeah I think I just noticed it today. But I don't think I've seen him ever smile. I think it became my normal. His serious or frown face is just how I've always seen him. If I close my eyes to imagine him, or if I were to ever doddle a picture of him, it would defiantly wear a somber expression. That's just the type of guy he is I guess. Then again I didn't know him for that long.</p><p>I wonder what Kageyama's normal Hinata looked like. </p><p>-------</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Misperception</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kageyama confronts Hinata.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>--------</p><p>That night at Sato's felt like a complete reset on my emotions. I also though that it complete ruined the existence of our relationships, the easiness, uncomplicated, sex driven relationship. But that night pretty much disappeared. And I wish it would stay that way forever. I was stupid to go cry to Sato, and I'm not sure what I wanted to gain out of it. But thankfully he hasn't treated me much different, I mean it was only two days ago and we've already hooked up again. </p><p>Kageyama has yet to show his face at my work since then. I wasn't even really sure how long he was in town for, never got the chance to ask him. Actually we really never got to chance to have a real and full conversation. Just a lot of "whats?" and "whys?" It almost laughable how pathetic we've become. I remember when me and you would stay in the gym for so long, when the third years were still there. Daichi would yell at us, Suga and Asahi would laugh. When anytime next to you, with you, around you, never felt wrong. The words we said weren't just repeated misfortune, they might have been stupid jokes and name calling, but it actually meant something then. When you were still here.</p><p>Right now things are fine. Things will go back to how they were, and I will continue on with this, this thing, I have going for me. I will grow out of it, it will start to fade, the pain in my chest and stomach, and all the things that made me cave in. The worst part is over, now I-</p><p>"Hinata." </p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Kageyama walked up to my side, with now another stupid yet increasing fashionable outfit. National team must pay good. </p><p>"Hinata, I want to talk."</p><p>"About what?"</p><p>He frowned, "I'm sorry about the other night alright, I acted rashly- I just- things have felt really weird since I got back."</p><p>You're telling me.</p><p>"It's fine, I wasn't upset or anything."</p><p>That was a bad lie Hinata, you were obviously upset, why didn't you say something like its cool whatever, idiot.</p><p>"Can we talk?"</p><p>"Isn't that what were doing right now?"</p><p>He frowned again.</p><p>I sighed, "Yeah we can, I don't have work tonight anyway."</p><p>-----</p><p>We sat on the side of hill overlooking the city river, next to the bridge where cars slowly drive back and forth to both ends. The grass was dry and cold, but softer to sit on then the concrete. There was a good foot in-between us, the cold air brushed around us sending a shiver down my spine. </p><p>"What's going on with you?"</p><p>The shiver turned into a stab that straightened my spine, I turned to Kageyama, his face serious, staring off into the water.</p><p>"Is that really how we're gonna start this conversation?" I threatened. </p><p>"I want to know-"</p><p>"Oh so because you want to know NOW, I should tell you everything."</p><p>"Hinata"</p><p>I turned onto my knees to get in his face, "Yeah why don't I tell you everything you've missed these past years since you've been gone. Just a quick and easy recap while I had to live it. Hm? Now works for you? You have free time now?"</p><p>He kept his gaze on the water, "You know I didn't want to leave-"</p><p>Something rushed from the bottom of my stomach, up into my chest, in my throat and behind my teeth until I released it with my voice, "But you did!" I screamed, "You left without saying anything at all! And now you want some welcome home party, fuck you! You think I was just what? Waiting for you? And the moment you came back things would be just like they were? I don't even recognize you Tobio!"</p><p>He flipped his head around to face me, his eyes met mine, that for sure at this point held tears in them. I can't believe I let that slip out.</p><p>"Shouyo..."</p><p>"No!" I pointed at him, the tears now falling from my eyes to my cheeks, "Don't call me that! That was a mistake!"</p><p>"And you think you're just the same!?" he suddenly raised his voice, "You think I'm the only one who's different!? I might look different but you don't even act the same!"</p><p>"And who's fault is that!?"</p><p>Quiet, only our pants and empty breaths could be heart with the fog from our hot mouths circles together over our heads. He gritted his teeth and turned away lowering his head in-between his knees and grabbing the back of his neck. I lowered back down to sit and wiped my face on my sleeve, I've cried too much the past couple of days, I'm over the wet sleeve look.</p><p>When I looked over to him he raised his head back up, his eyes closed, he took a deep breath prepared to say something.</p><p>"Let's go play volleyball."</p><p>My moth dropped, "Are you fucking kidding me?" I shook my head grabbing my backpack and throwing it around my arms and onto my back as I began walking back up the hill.</p><p>He stood up, "Hinata! Wait!"</p><p>I turned around, "This conversation is over, this obviously isn't going anywhere."</p><p>He ran his hands through his hair, "Fuck!" he shouted which made me jump, "Hinata I'm trying here- I just-"</p><p>I didn't understand what was going on in your head. There was one point where I felt like we knew exactly what the other was thinking, we never had to second guess our movements or actions around each other. I could trust you with my fucking eyes closed for god sake. And now you felt so far away from me. Your eyes were furrowed again, it didn't bring me any joy to see you in this state, not like I thought it would. Nothing does that for me anymore. No matter how much sex I have, money I get, memories I relive- it's never enough to fill me up. And now I can't understand where you are or what you want from me. So I turned and walked away.</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere this time!" Kageyama yelled with desperation croaking his voice. </p><p>I stopped in my tracks, but didn't look back, "That doesn't matter anymore."</p><p>-------</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sato urges Hinata to open up.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>------</p><p>After that day with Kageyama I haven't been able to get this feeling to shake. At first it was in my chest, it was heavy, it felt like when Natsu used to sit on my chest when she was little. It was suffocating and tiring and became unbearable at some points. The it moved to my stomach, I felt so sick that even during class or work I found myself rushing to the toilet. Just to stand with my back against the door staring at the empty toilet bowl. Nothing was going to come out, but I would be there stiff and still until it would fade away again. Just to bubble up again later. Then it went to my fingers. I felt as if I were to touch something, it would explode. I felt as everything I couldn't say was being stored in my fingertips, I felt like I could destroy something in any second. Like I was something to fear, something to stay away from, I wanted everyone to stay away. </p><p>I think Sato was starting to feel that energy I was putting off. I hadn't gone to his place, even after he invited me. During class I avoided talking or looking at him, even though he made it obvious he was looking at me, checking in on me or something. </p><p>How did Sato truly make me feel?</p><p>Wanted? In some way yes.</p><p>He was kind, in his own special way, but he was troubled and didn't want to show anyone. I think he feels like he isn't special, or enough sometimes. The way he talks about Eiji is so high, same with Chiaki. Was I enabling him with my own selfish needs to latch onto something without consequence? Was he doing the same to me? Yet I didn't want it to end. Because it was easy. It warmed me. Both of us seemed to need something to keep our mind off what was really going on inside of us.</p><p>"Hey, wanna go out drinking tonight?" Sato asked with a smooth tone.</p><p>I turned to him, it was nice that he always asked even after I have declined so many times. He is a people pleaser.</p><p>"Just you an me," he reassured, "No stress."</p><p>His eyes had a little pit of puffy red outlining them, and I realized Sato was the main character of his own story. He was the one holding all of his shit in, trying to figure out his own problems in the world. And still smiling through all of it. I noticed that and said, "Yes." To going out. </p><p>-------</p><p>I had never actually seen the inside of the bar that Sato was always getting shitfaced in. He's usually call me, and then be standing outside when I came to pick him up. Starting at a street light or his shoes with a red face, then when he saw me drunkily smile like an idiot. But now I was inside. It was warm, and much more subtle than I had thought. The lighting was warm and orange and the tables were all dark wood to match the bar in which a young female bartender stood smiling and laughing with some customers. Jazz music played over us and a cloud of smoke lined the ceiling and sunk into the decorative ornate beige and red wallpaper.</p><p>Sato smiled at the bartender and took a seat on one of the metal stools, I followed behind to sit next to him.</p><p>"Evening Sato-san, who's your new friend?" she asked cutely while wiping down a shot glass.</p><p>"Himiko-sama, this is Hinata." he motioned to me.</p><p>I bowed my head and she smiled back, "What can I get ya?"</p><p>-------</p><p>Sato was on his third drink and yet to be acting like his dumb drunk self, so I was guessing he was a heavy weight. Me on the other hand had been sipping on my first and already becoming light headed in the mask of smoke of music. But Sato seemed different tonight. It might be because it was a brand new environment for me to see him in, not class, or his room, or on the streets in the middle of the night. He suddenly looked mature sitting at the bar, I wondered if I looked like an adult too yet.</p><p>He swirled his glass in his hand and the ice clinked together smashing against the limp lime resting on top. He turned to me, "Hinata, can I ask you something?"</p><p>I nodded, "Most people ask questions before the sex, but sure go ahead."</p><p>He laughed and shook his head, "Man you're a funny guy..." but then his smile went flat, "It's hard to understand you."</p><p>That statement stung a bit, in a weird way I didn't think it ever would.</p><p>"What's up with you and Kageyama?"</p><p>I sighed and stirred my drink with my straw, "It's-"</p><p>"And you can't say nothing anymore. I already know its much more than nothing."</p><p>Shit.</p><p>"He was my teammate."</p><p>"And?"</p><p>I groaned and rolled my head, gripping my glass tighter, "And? I don't know-"</p><p>"I'm not trying to trick you, or fuck with you, I genuinely want to know....I think you do too."</p><p>I looked at him, "When did you grow up?" I asked.</p><p>"I've realized a lot of things since we've met Hinata. Now it's my turn to listen to you."</p><p>-----</p><p>"I guess you could say he was my first love? Yeah, that isn't a maybe, he was. I truly thought we had something, that he felt the same. But when in our third year, thats when he left to be on the national team, it's like he disappeared- I felt like- like I never meant anything to him."</p><p>"Did you ever tell him that?" Sato asked.</p><p>"When could I have?" I exclaimed, "He was gone!"</p><p>"You could now."</p><p>I pressed my lips together.</p><p>"He's here isn't he?" Sato urged.</p><p>I shook my head, "It doesn't matter anymore Sato, it's too late, its over, its in the past."</p><p>"Then why are you still thinking about it?"</p><p>The feeling was back, now throughout my whole body, this gut feeling that I was on fire. My whole body trying to hold in, contain this feeling inside, was trying to burst through. </p><p>"I'm still in pain," I whimpered, "No matter how much time goes by, no matter how much older I get, I still feel like I'm eighteen years old standing there, waiting for him. I never got to tell him I love him."</p><p>Sato reached over to hook his arm around my head and pull me into his chest, hiding my teary eyes from the rest of the bar guests. He held me there for a little, without a word. I don't think this was about sex, we were closer for a whole other reason. We both were holding onto people, while never letting them know how we were really feeling. Sato saw that in me, I think he saw himself in me. And he finally learned how to care for himself like he would another person. I wrapped my hand up to touch his back, I saw him too.</p><p>"It's good to hear people out Hinata, for your own sanity sometimes." he whispered.</p><p>"I know," I replied, "I just don't know if I'm ready."</p><p>"No one ever does."</p><p>-------</p><p>Mostly drunk Sato and semi-tipsy myself left the bar not to long after 11pm that night. With Sato's request for snacks being very urgent and necessary to him apparently. So we made our way to my corner store, on my night off. When we entered the white light store we both flinched and squinted. I waved to my coworker as Sato scoured the isle's for his favorite snacks and candy. He paid for it and we walked out back into the night with our mouth full of salty treats.</p><p>"We probably should cut off our deal." he said with his mouth full.</p><p>I nodded knowing with was the best for us if either of us finally wanted to move forwards with our lives.</p><p>"Ah man," he sighed, "Sex friends really was great though, Hinata you're pretty good in-" he suddenly cut his own sentence off. I thought he had probably starting choking on a chip, and I was ready to lecture him on why he shouldn't talk with his mouth full when I noticed what he did.</p><p>In front of the store, I'm guessing coming in to see if I was working, was Kageyama.</p><p>Had he heard the conversation going on?</p><p>His fists balled up tight.</p><p>He did. </p><p>From the corner of my eye I could see Sato slightly trembling, although they were the same height, Kageyama was still more intimidating face and muscle wise. So I don't blame him. </p><p>Kageyama's eyes were pierced into Sato, it reminded me of the glares to Oikawa or I guess any of our competitors. It even reminded me of the times when he would get annoyed with me, and just stare, unable to expire truly how much he wanted to knock me out.</p><p>Then he looked down to me, his eyes saddened.</p><p>I stepped forward to fill the gap between them, "Let's go play volleyball."</p><p>-------</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Amends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hinata and Kageyama play volleyball.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-------</p><p>We entered the gym as Kageyama walked over to turn the lights on. The net was already set up when we got in. Kageyama held a serious expression as he marched around the court, I could tell he was frustrated. His shoulders were stiff and mouth was closed tight, but yet he was holding back.</p><p>Sato still cowered behind me, "Why did I come with you?"</p><p>I shrugged, "I don't know, you're drunk."</p><p>He gulped, "I think I sobered up in like 2 seconds..."</p><p>"Hinata!" Kageyama's voice bellowed and echoed around the room.</p><p>We stood in the Karasuno gym, the same gym where we first saw each other after the middle school incident- where he kicked my ass in my first match. When we found out we were going to be teammates neither of us were very happy. But if fate hadn't brought us together, how would me and you ever had saved each other. The fallen king, and I his wings.</p><p>Kageyama threw his jacket to the sidelines now wearing his running shorts and leggings, and a tight black t-shirt showing off his insanely toned body. Making me feel even more insecure than when I first came in and saw the net. </p><p>Sato sat himself down with his back on the wall, his eyes still dead. </p><p>I placed my jacket down to and walked to the other side of the court where Kageyama waited, "I haven't played since third year." I told him.</p><p>"We've got all night." he said.</p><p>He threw the ball over to me as I caught it, the feeling on the firm, smooth ball in my hands was not the cruel nostalgia that had been plaguing me, but it felt pure and wholesome in my hands. </p><p>"I have lots of questions, I hope you are prepared." he stated.</p><p>I squeezed the ball, "Yeah," I agreed, "I do too."</p><p>-------</p><p>We hit the ball back and forth with each other in rhythm, "Why did you stop playing volleyball?"</p><p>The ball hit my wrist and I winced, still able to get it back to Kageyama, "It didn't feel good anymore." </p><p>He cocked his head, "Why-"</p><p>"Because you weren't there."</p><p>His stance lowered and he nodded.</p><p>"My turn." I added, "Why did you never text me?" I hit the ball to him.</p><p>He hit it back, "I thought you'd be better off without me."</p><p>"Stupid answer. I want a new one."</p><p>He scoffed, "Fine. I was scared about my feelings for you."</p><p>A lump formed in my throat, "Ho-"</p><p>"Nope." he panted between hits, "My turn."</p><p>I rolled my eyes.</p><p>"Who's that guy?" he asked nudging his head to Sato's direction. Sato didn't even hear is own name still dazed out, and probably still scared.</p><p>"Sato, he's a friend."</p><p>Kageyama looked at me with that, "I know you're not telling the truth so spit it out" look.</p><p>"He really is a friend," I stated, "It's just se- it's just physical stuff no feelings. Besides he had his own complicated relationship to figure out."</p><p>Kageyama looked at Sato and back to me.</p><p>"Nothing is happening between us anymore, plus you can be frustrated, but not mad at me." </p><p>"I can be whatever I want to be."</p><p>"Fair."</p><p>My turn.</p><p>He passed the ball to me, it went high. I looked up and stepped to follow the ball until it came down and I caught it in my hands. I stared at the ball for a bit before gaining the courage to continue this conversation.</p><p>"How did you feel about me?" I asked, in a softer tone than before.</p><p>He looked down at his feet, back up, then to the side doors. His teeth were clenched and eyebrows furrowed deeply, a hint of pink on his cheeks flushed.</p><p>"I was never good with words Hinata....you know that."</p><p>I did.</p><p>He looked at me, "And I regret never being able to tell you all the things going in in my head those days."</p><p>Me too.</p><p>"The time I spent with you, was the only thing that mattered to me."</p><p>I remember it too.</p><p>"I know I've changed, but I know how I feel."</p><p>And?</p><p>"I love you, Shouyo."</p><p>The words that I had felt all the time but never heard. His voice suddenly sounded the same as it did back then, suddenly everything seemed to set into its place. The feeling in my body, that heat of hurt dispersed like steam and went back into the universe. The torture of the unknown and the lack of validation that burdened my heart lifted. My body felt as if it had been reborn, or thrown back in time. I felt giddy. </p><p>He coughed, "Well, how do you feel about me?" His face now was definitley red.</p><p>I hit the ball up at the front of the court and back turned to back myself up to the bottom, "Idiot, I love you too."</p><p>I heard his breath hitch as he ran up to the net, planting his feet in the middle and turning his body. He reached his arms up as the ball began its trip down. Sato sat up on the sidelines with his eyes fixated on the spinning red and green ball. The ball made it it to Kageyama's fingertips as he let loose and pushed it up. From there I ran up to the next, closed my eyes, and jumped.</p><p>The feeling of the ball on my palm shot through my entire body. I swung my arm palm flat, the sound of artificially created wind surrounded my existence. Only to be shattered by the sound of the ball slapping onto the floor in front of me on the other side of the night. When I landed on my feet with my knees bent I slowly stood up and opened my eyes to my raw, red palm open to my face. It all rushed back to me. The feeling of being needed. The feeling of completely trusting another persons intentions and moves. The feeling of having the perfect duo. The feeling of being apart of something that was meant for me. It was back. You were back Hinata Shouyou.</p><p>I turned to Kageyama's who's face wore the same expression of ecstasy and relief as mine. I felt the tears roll down my face the same time I saw them on his.</p><p>Sato was on his feet now watching with wide eyes.</p><p>I smiled, "I never stopped loving you."</p><p>Kageyama wasted no time he rushed to me and lowered himself to wrap his arms around my waist and hoist me up, burying his face into my chest. I laughed feeling the weight of the world lift of of my shoulder, feeling his skin press against mine again filled me with warmth and calmness. I wrapped myself around his and nuzzled into his silky hair. I could feel his tears soaking in my shirt.</p><p>"I will never forgive myself for leaving you that day Shouyo, I was young and stupid and scared about the future. I'm sorry." his muffled voice mixed with his erratic breathing.</p><p>I stroked the back of his head, "Yeah asshole, you better make it up to me."</p><p>He nodded and looked up, "I will, for the rest of our lives."</p><p>I pressed my lips together and chuckled in the back of my throat, "God Tobio, when did you become such a sap?"</p><p>His face dropped and he rolled his eyes as he threw me over his shoulder, "You always know how to ruin a good moment." he grunted.</p><p>Up on his shoulder I watched Sato head towards the door, wiping his own face, he turned to me and nodded with a somber smile. I returned the smile as he stepped outside of the gym and into the night, on his way to right his own wrongs- I hoped.</p><p>Tobio set me back down onto the gym floor, "We still have lots to talk about." he asserted. </p><p>I nodded brushing my fingers onto his, my cheeks nostalgically warm, "We've got all night don't we?"</p><p>-------</p>
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